is the only way I can say it. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I had intended this blog to be an outlet for my frustration and then I was torn with whether I should make this public and let people know about it. I have friends who have blogs and they're shared spaces. I'd like to let everyone know how Aidan and Amanda are doing but there is so much more to the story than just roses and daisies.
I'm a 32 year old woman with a husband who is wonderful but frustrates me on a regular basis. I'm trying to support my family but I can't find a job and I'm running out of patience. I'm living in a house which is not my own. I need to sell a $200K house in a market that isn't helping my anxiety. There are so many risks and so many gambles. I want the support of being able to reach out to the people who I care about and who care about me but I don't want to seem whiney. I over analyze everything in my life and I can't find an outlet that makes me feel comfortable.
I've been avoiding my blog for a while now because I can't decide which direction to take in something as simple as a public journal. Yes, I should keep this to myself. On the other hand, I would love to be able to share thoughts without feelings of being boring someone with the details. If someone reads this page, I have a feeling of sharing without forcing it on anyone. Even writing this feels weird. Does everyone go through these personal battles or am I just a freak? I guess I've already decided to keep this personal so that I can be as open with my thoughts as I want.
I'm having such a hard time right now. I am so easily irritated by everything. I know that it is a result of so many factors but I feel out of control. I have one potential job that has so many pros but soooo many cons. The job has so many fascinating aspects but it requires travel which is virtually impossible with a husband and twins. The career I have dreamed of is finally within my reach and I have so many other wonderful pieces to the puzzle that I really have to figure out what fits in my big picture. I want a career but I want my family and the downtime. I'm sure this is the battle many people feel but this is new to me. I have always had the career and climbed and climbed. Now I'm to the place that I had hoped to reach and I have to decided how high I can climb without sacrificing my life with Jon, Aidan and Amanda as well as all of the other wonderful people that are a part of our lives. We moved to NY to be closer to the family and now I'm potentially limiting my time with them because I have dollar signs in my eyes. I just keep hoping that I find the right balance.
The house is still on the market. No offers have been made. I constantly wonder if there is something that we did wrong. I know how horrible this market is and we haven't gotten many complaints but I'm always extremely self-conscious. We just lowered the asking price by $5k. I hope that is enough but it seems like such a minor adjustment. I'm getting a little bit better with my level of patience. I am starting to realize that I won't get a job overnight, we won't sell the house immediately, and things will be rough for a while. I just need to accept that there are estimates for a reason. The estimated time to sell a house in Denver is about 3 months. We've been on the market for one. I should anticipate a 6 week long job search. It has been about 3 weeks. I just have to enjoy my time with the kids and not worry so much.
This is so easy to type out but is it going to be easy to accept all of these frustrations? I am constantly yelling at Jon for stupid crap because I don't like whatever it is and I get irritated. I get stressed with mom when she says things that I don't want or care to hear but I have to remember that she is enjoying my company and she has been very alone for along time. I have to remember that Aidan and Amanda are two and are going to behave like two year olds. They are not going to have maturity that I want to expect sometimes. They will be difficult and I have to accept it and teach them. They need time and patience.
Speaking of Aidan and Amanda, I'm working on potty training right now. They are not doing very well but again, I have to remember that it is a process and I can't expect them to be perfectly potty trained in one day. They are going to have accidents and they may not pick it up for a while. I just have to keep working on it and not give up.
I have very little patience some days and I just need to take a deep break. My life is not going to fall apart over the next few weeks or even months. My family is healthy and Jon has a good job. We have a place to live and people who love us and care about us. Aaaahhh, deep breath... This is very relaxing.
Tomorrow will be a relaxing day. I will play with my children and I will not worry about finding a job. I have a few people who are working on things for me and I need ot remind myself that they'll call when they have a lead. I have also applied for multiple jobs that I am qualified for and I need to wait for them to respond to me. I do not need to freak out every day. I can take a day or two off to allow for the wheels of business to turn. Tuesday will be another day.
Maybe I'll take the kids to Chuck E Cheese tomorrow to play...
1 comment:
Hi sweetie--hope you don't mind I stopped in here. I figured since you commented on my blog with your profile name, it was OK to pop over. Blogging for me has been very cathartic as well and looking back, it is nice to have the record as well as the outlet to let those feelings out.
I can really empathize with what you are going through. I must admit, it was hard for me sometimes to just enjoy my time off with Chloe, because I was always worrying about finding a new house or irritated with living with family, or arguing with Craig because he was stressed about his new job.
You are who you are, so telling you to relax is useless ;-) But just try to go easy on yourself and know that in the end, everything works out. Just don't be afraid to take chances. If the job excited you, go for it. Worst that happens is that it isn't right and you need to move on. Heck, maybe you could move internally and stay with a great company. I was very afraid about the work/life balance when I started back at Pru and now I am invigorated by my work and thrilled to be there. It is a challenge sometimes to make it all work, but when you can do it, it is pretty cool.
We are looking forward to seeing you in a couple weeks. As always, call me if you ever want to talk or vent or just shoot the $hit about Red Sox and Yankees.
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