Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Public or private

OK, since I have shared with a few people that I have this blog, I should make it less ambiguous. It is going to be semi-private. I will and have shared with people I feel comfortable with reading. Those of you who have blogs have helped me to feel comfortable with my own thoughts. I am feeling quite alone which is weird considering I am physically close to a lot of people. There are some people that I would prefer didn't read this and I have a feeling that they would never know this existed (even with my comments on other blogs). I'm going to keep this short since I have two kids that need my attention but I wanted to clear the air. If you know about this site it is because I wanted you to know. :)

Oh, and a little added note... This morning started more potty training. We sat on the potty and spent the morning running around in underpants or nothing at all. We had a few accidents but Amanda went #1 and Aidan went #2!!! Yup, first time! This one goes in the record books :) Thats all for now.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Potty progress!

Today was THE BIG DAY. We started by sitting on the potty and talking about our big trip of the day. We were heading to the store to buy underpants. I've been talking it up with the kids for a while now and starting yesterday we talked about it to the point of excitement. After a hectic few hours of breakfast, potties, dressing and miscellaneous activities, we were out the door on the way to the store.

We spent wayyyy too much time and money in the store but I felt it was worth it. We first went to pick out big kid underpants. After each kid picked two packs that they wanted (Amanda got Tinkerbell and My Little Pony; Aidan got Cars and Mickey Mouse) we wandered the store picking up a few odds and ends. They both picked out stickers for rewards when they went on the potty. Then we got a Go Diego Go toilet seat ring so they can sit on the big potty if they wanted to.

To supplement the potty supplies, we got some big kid toys to show them what big kids can do. We got a t-ball set, 24 pack of crayons (they only had 8 before), finger paints, bubble bath and bathtub crayons. Yes, they were definitely spoiled today. I didn't even mention the follow-up to the underpants trip. After buying the entire store and having two extremely excited two-year-olds, we headed to Chuck E. Cheese. Am I nuts? Yup!

We have never been to Chuck E. Cheese. It was a rainy day and I wanted to have a very special day with the kids so we went to play. They had so much fun. They climbed through the jungle gym and rode on some of the kiddie rides they have. We ate a bit of pizza (when I could get them to sit still long enough to take a bite). At a point in time which was well past naptime, I decided it was time to leave. There was a bit of crying and screaming involved but I was able to carry leftover pizza, a soda, my bag, Aidan and Amanda through the door and to the car without any major injuries. About 15 minutes from home they both fell asleep.

Sleeping in the car is not good for naptime. When we got home Amanda and Aidan were exited with the purchases and told grandma about everything. I had a very hard time getting them down for nap. Amanda finally passed out but Aidan played quietly for about 45 minutes. I finally allowed him to get up so he didn't wake Amanda. He came to my room and hung out with me and then I decided to try spending some alone time with Aidan to work on the potty.

I took Aidan and his new underpants and we went in the bathroom for a while. I won't bore with the details but it was successful! He was so proud of himself. By the evening both of the kids had gone on the potty and they were so excited!

We took a tubby with the crayons and the bubblebath and it was mostly successful. Amanda has been really scared of the bathroom for a few weeks now and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I hope that more bathtime activities will help but I think she is just scared of my mom's tub.

That's it for tonight.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Trying to "stay the course"

After my long rambling post the other day, I've had a chance to go back, reread what I wrote and reflect. Sounds so much more intellectual than it really was. I didn't do any job searching yesterday. I made a few phone calls today but that was it. I need a couple of days to see if anything develops. I have other priorities.

Amanda has been running a pretty high fever the past few days. It topped out at 103.9 last night and scared the crap out of me. I know that kids can run high fevers but there wasn't any other symptoms. She threw up yesterday afternoon which was a shock to me. We had gone to the park and played outside for a few hours so I thought she was just hot from being outside. She was slightly lethargic but she insisted that she was fine. When she threw up it was shocking and I thought she was just hyperventilating again. She did that a few weeks ago when she was upset. She hasn't thrown up since yesterday afternoon but the fever continues. I tried to keep her laying low today.

Grandma took Aidan outside this afternoon to ride his tricycle. He really enjoys himself and he is getting better every day. He did have a couple of minor crashes today. His first crash was on the tricycle and he skinned his knee. He cried for a couple of minutes but he calmed down pretty quickly and wanted to play more. After riding the bike for a while, he switched to playing with his dumptruck. He was having a blast and then the truck got away from him and he fell on the other knee. Yup, double bloody knees. He was a real trooper and showed everyone his knees all evening.

Oh well, I'm going to rate this a decent day and I'm going to go watch Law & Order.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


is the only way I can say it. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I had intended this blog to be an outlet for my frustration and then I was torn with whether I should make this public and let people know about it. I have friends who have blogs and they're shared spaces. I'd like to let everyone know how Aidan and Amanda are doing but there is so much more to the story than just roses and daisies.

I'm a 32 year old woman with a husband who is wonderful but frustrates me on a regular basis. I'm trying to support my family but I can't find a job and I'm running out of patience. I'm living in a house which is not my own. I need to sell a $200K house in a market that isn't helping my anxiety. There are so many risks and so many gambles. I want the support of being able to reach out to the people who I care about and who care about me but I don't want to seem whiney. I over analyze everything in my life and I can't find an outlet that makes me feel comfortable.

I've been avoiding my blog for a while now because I can't decide which direction to take in something as simple as a public journal. Yes, I should keep this to myself. On the other hand, I would love to be able to share thoughts without feelings of being boring someone with the details. If someone reads this page, I have a feeling of sharing without forcing it on anyone. Even writing this feels weird. Does everyone go through these personal battles or am I just a freak? I guess I've already decided to keep this personal so that I can be as open with my thoughts as I want.

I'm having such a hard time right now. I am so easily irritated by everything. I know that it is a result of so many factors but I feel out of control. I have one potential job that has so many pros but soooo many cons. The job has so many fascinating aspects but it requires travel which is virtually impossible with a husband and twins. The career I have dreamed of is finally within my reach and I have so many other wonderful pieces to the puzzle that I really have to figure out what fits in my big picture. I want a career but I want my family and the downtime. I'm sure this is the battle many people feel but this is new to me. I have always had the career and climbed and climbed. Now I'm to the place that I had hoped to reach and I have to decided how high I can climb without sacrificing my life with Jon, Aidan and Amanda as well as all of the other wonderful people that are a part of our lives. We moved to NY to be closer to the family and now I'm potentially limiting my time with them because I have dollar signs in my eyes. I just keep hoping that I find the right balance.

The house is still on the market. No offers have been made. I constantly wonder if there is something that we did wrong. I know how horrible this market is and we haven't gotten many complaints but I'm always extremely self-conscious. We just lowered the asking price by $5k. I hope that is enough but it seems like such a minor adjustment. I'm getting a little bit better with my level of patience. I am starting to realize that I won't get a job overnight, we won't sell the house immediately, and things will be rough for a while. I just need to accept that there are estimates for a reason. The estimated time to sell a house in Denver is about 3 months. We've been on the market for one. I should anticipate a 6 week long job search. It has been about 3 weeks. I just have to enjoy my time with the kids and not worry so much.

This is so easy to type out but is it going to be easy to accept all of these frustrations? I am constantly yelling at Jon for stupid crap because I don't like whatever it is and I get irritated. I get stressed with mom when she says things that I don't want or care to hear but I have to remember that she is enjoying my company and she has been very alone for along time. I have to remember that Aidan and Amanda are two and are going to behave like two year olds. They are not going to have maturity that I want to expect sometimes. They will be difficult and I have to accept it and teach them. They need time and patience.

Speaking of Aidan and Amanda, I'm working on potty training right now. They are not doing very well but again, I have to remember that it is a process and I can't expect them to be perfectly potty trained in one day. They are going to have accidents and they may not pick it up for a while. I just have to keep working on it and not give up.

I have very little patience some days and I just need to take a deep break. My life is not going to fall apart over the next few weeks or even months. My family is healthy and Jon has a good job. We have a place to live and people who love us and care about us. Aaaahhh, deep breath... This is very relaxing.

Tomorrow will be a relaxing day. I will play with my children and I will not worry about finding a job. I have a few people who are working on things for me and I need ot remind myself that they'll call when they have a lead. I have also applied for multiple jobs that I am qualified for and I need to wait for them to respond to me. I do not need to freak out every day. I can take a day or two off to allow for the wheels of business to turn. Tuesday will be another day.

Maybe I'll take the kids to Chuck E Cheese tomorrow to play...

Monday, April 7, 2008

The interview looms

The interview for the auditor position is tomorrow. It was supposed to be next Tuesday. That would have given me an opportunity to find a comfort zone. The HR recruiter called this morning. I guess I should first back up to the beginning, Friday. I received the call I mentioned in the last post. I called back and left a message for the recruiter, Erica. Erica finally called me back late in the afternoon. Fortunately the kids were down for a nap and I had a few minutes to chat. It was a great conversation and it sounded like Erica was really impressed with my resume. She mentioned that the position has up to 20% travel (which I knew from the website) and asked if I would be OK with that. I said yes but I knew that I wasn't sure if I was OK with that. I wanted to have an opportunity to think about it more and I didn't want to put them off on that immediately. The conversation continued and she finally said that she was eager to bring me in to meet with the hiring manager, the vice president of finance. Gulp. I'm getting really nervous. she followed by saying that the manager would be out of the office this week and asked if I could come in on the following Tuesday. That would be great. That would give me a chance to talk to Jon and think over the options.

Fast forward to this morning. Mom and I are just getting ready to walk out the door to take the kids to the mall and the phone rings. Guess who? Pretty easy to guess. It was Susan the recruiter. She said that the manager was not out of the office this week and wants to meet with me tomorrow if that is OK. I said "sure, thats great!" Aaagh! I'm not emotionally ready for this. Why am I such a freak? Can I live up to my own expectations? Can I do the job and handle the travel? I wanted to see what other opportunites are available before this. I don't know if they're going ot offer me the job or not. I'm over analyzing this to death. I wonder if the job has been listed for a long time because they can't get anyone to take it. That brings me to my woes where I said to myself "they only want me because they've run out of options." I hate doing that to myself but it comes out of habit and I can't stop byself. Do other people feel this type of insecurity?

Oh well, the time has come... I should go to sleep so that I can get up early to go to my interview. 9:00 is going to come before I know it. Wish me luck. I need it :)

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Jon's first day

Jon loved his first day at work. He seems so excited about the opportunities available to him. He thought that he was going to be in over his head since he doesn't know how they do things around here and he definitely navigationally challenged. I ordered a GPS system for him yesterday and I hope that it helps him feel more comfortable. His first day could have been considered a day and a half since he worked over 12 hours! He came home in a good mood and hungry so that is a great start. His second day (yesterday) was just as good and he didn't have to work 12 hours again. They did a smaller job at a local restaurant/banquet hall and he came home with a positive attitude.

I had a meeting with a recruiter yesterday in Rye, NY which is about 1.5 hours from here. It was a good meeting and the recruiter seemed impressed with my resume and experience. He said that he was going to meet with his boss and see if they have any contacts who are looking for a person like me! He said that he would call early next week so that is promising.

This morning I woke up bright and early with the kids and it is another rainy day. We had a good morning and I called a good friend of mine, Erica, in Colorado. It was great talking to her and the conversation made me excited for the prospects for the future.

Apparently right after we got off the phone, I received a call that I didn't hear. I just checked my phone and noticed that I had a voicemail. The message was from a woman regarding a resume that I submitted to a company for an accounting position. She wasn't calling about the accounting job but rather a different job as an internal auditor. I immediately called her back but I got voice mail. I left a message and went to the internet to see if I could find the job posting for the audit position. I found the info and all I can say is WOW! I'm not going to get worked up because I don't know all of the details and if they'd even hire me but it sounds like a really interesting position. I won't bore with the details but it would be involved with identifying process weaknesses, reviewing financial statements and reporting, and working with senior management on different financial concerns. Boring stuff for most people, but excitement for me. It also listed that there might be a small amount of travel involved for a bunch of different things like seminars, meetings and training. I know, I know, too much excitement for something I haven't even discussed with the hiring manager yet. I guess it just reminds me that I have skills and education that someone actually might want in an employee! I had applied for staff accountant and they call me for internal auditor!

Oh well, I just needed to get some of that out of my system. I'm on cloud 9 and just happy with life at the moment. Happy Friday!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

and so it begins...

I've wanted to keep a journal for a long time. I rationalized that I never had the time. I've lost track of so many milestones in Aidan and Amanda's lives and it makes me sad. Now is the time. I don't need a reason. We're finally getting settled in NY. We've been here for almost 3 weeks now. Jon got a job on Monday and officially started today. I'm excited to see how his first day went. It is starting to seem real. Up until this point everything seemed like a really strange vacation. I still feel like we live in our house in Colorado but we're staying here temporarily. I need to get used to the fact that I will never live in our house in Colorado again and we're starting a new chapter in our lives.

The house is on the market. The realtor seemed optimistic at the start that it would show well. I hope that stays true. We've had a lot of showings but no offers. I know that it takes time to sell a house but I am not a very patient person. The comments have been varied. Some have said that it is beautiful with great curb appeal and others said that it had some smells in the garage and has a small kitchen. We can't do anything about the size of the house! The garage smells and unfortunately that will only get better with time. Jon smoked out there for 5 years and fortunately that is the only room that smells! It is the garage for goodness sake! Oh well, we just need to wait. I keep reminding myself that the longer it is on the market the more equity we build (although we do pay more interest).

Jon's job seems promising. He was worried about applying to the company because they specialize in residential alarm systems which wasn't the direction that he really wanted to go. The good thing was that there was a high likelyhood that they would hire him. He called a few times around Easter but he did not receive any return calls. We finally decided after about a week that he would drive over and drop off his resume. That was on Thursday. Friday evening at around 5:30 Jon went to pick up some pizza for dinner and almost immediately after he left, the phone rang. It was the security company calling. I excitedly asked if he could return the call as soon as he came back. How is it that we can sit around the house all day, every day waiting for the phone to ring and the second we leave the phone rings? I guess timing really is everything! Oh well, Jon was able to call them back and they asked to meet with him at 9 on Monday morning. The hired him immediately and he was asked to start in their FIRE ALARM department on Wednesday. He was excited. He is working on a 3 story retrofit which should be right up his alley. Besides a bit of nervousness on both of our parts, he took off this morning to start work at 7:30. I'm excited to see how it went.

I haven't had any luck with my job search yet. I got really excited when a big recruiting firm called me less than a week after we arrived. Unfortunately I've been playing a horrible game of email/phone tag since then. I don't get it. They called me very excited and explained that they wanted to meet with me. The guy who called was from their Stamford, CT office which is a bit of a trip from here (about 2 hours). He suggested that he would get in touch with his White Plains office to have them work with me. He said since the next day was Good Friday that I probably wouldn't hear anything until Monday. It has now been a week and a half and I still haven't heard anything. I've sent 3 emails and left 2 voicemails. Is something seriously wrong with me? Why isn't he calling back? I'm getting frustrated, disappointed and nervous. Is my job search going to be this difficult? I thought I had an impressive resume. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

Aidan and Amanda are settling in nicely. They are super happy to be here with grandma and papa Oscar. The don't even seem to care that we left Colorado. They either adapt really really well or they are just too young to realize what is going on. We explained before we moved that we were leaving Colorado and going to live here for a while. They haven't questioned a bit of it. We threw away their cribs in Colorado and got them a bed here and they accepted that immediately too. They are wonderful! Unfortunately they are both sick right now. They both have a nasty cough. This started last week when I was feeling crappy the day after Easter. I assumed that I had caught something during the holiday when visiting family in Beacon. Then Jon got sick. By Wednesday night, the kids both woke up multiple times in the middle of the night with pretty high fevers. The fevers eventually broke but a nasty cough remained. We're still trying to shake the cough. We've had a few restless nights but it is getting better. I'm looking foward to some nicer weather so that we can take the kids to the park and get them outside for fresh air more often.

I can't forget to mention Smokey (the cat). He is having the worst time of the family. He is trying to get used to my mom's cat, Sasha. Sasha is very teritorial and does not like Smokey at all. We're hoping they will get used to each other but it might be a while. They have been fighting since day one but the intensity is decreasing.

I guess that is all I have to report at this point. I feel like such a weight is lifted now that I've written this first entry. I'm hoping that it is easier to continue as time goes on...